How life changes in a moment

I never imagined I would start my blog on a such a negative note...but i guess the negativity was the one that drove me to actually sit down and start blogging.I had wanted to blog for a long time but never got around to actually doing it. If only thots could automatically find its way into cyber space...

A moment----it changes your entire life, the way you look at things, your relationship with people.A moment of happiness changes into a moment of despair, utter desolation and heart wrenching agony.Craving for things that you took for granted all your life.

I pack...expectations....wanting to be noticed......wanting to be someone of importance in my family.... prepared and prepared for this trip...the clothes I will wear..what my children will wear..who will i meet....what will i talk.....my mind was full of if this and if that....I am sad and happy hubby isnt coming...sad that this would be my first celebrations out of town with him in my almost 13 yrs of marriage and happy that he wont be around to give his critical analysis of what i say or do..I board the train....more happy to be travelling with my bil...i have always secretly wanted to be his fav sis....and now was my chance alone with him to talk to him....show what a nice person I am....the train inches away and the phone call the dreaded one.....that changes my life forever...a that tells me my father is no more...he walked into his own death....a death he never wanted to face EVER....a death i wasnt expecting for another 10 yrs thanks to my belief in one person's astrological calculations.And from all expectations to not caring what someone thinks, even what someone wants, not caring to please anyone.

The dreaded mortuary visit.the post mortem and the cremation procedures. I am ashamed to say I was scared to look at my dad,touch him. I walked out of the mortuary in 2 min....silently angry with my cousin coz he wanted to spend more time with my dad ....pray ....say goodbye when i didnt want to.

These 30 days without him taught me a that I am totally alone.....my grief is my own...people dont change or understand that you are grieving.....the questions...how did it happen...did the train hit him.....was he smashed....where was the injury......to is your house rented....what is the rent.....to yr mom is worst affected be strong for her.....take care of her.....hello! what happened to my grief??? why cant anyone think i dont have to be strong....i can grieve too...it is my dad...the closest person to me on earth....someone who came to be with me at the drop of the hat.

how grief teaches you various facets of people...Curious ones....spiritual ones....even comparitive ones....but there is one thing i learnt most of all.....laugh and world laughs with you..cry and u cry alone